Date # 6 - Mike at the beach.....a.k.a. Guido Wannabe

Mike was a self-proclaimed "guido". He indicated in his online profile that he was "just a guido", among other things.....

He was o.k. looking in the ONE photo he had online. I typically don't meet people for a drink/coffee date based on one photo. It's not really a rule, but I don't trust people who can't find a way to have more than one photograph of themselves. Mike was no different - it was one of those photos that had so little background in it and just his face...that it could have been taken in any decade. Nevertheless, I agreed to meet him for a "piece of shitty pizza" at the beach.

He was waiting for me in the parking lot when I arrive. He looked nothing like his photograph. No worse - no better - just nothing like it and in spite of his desire to label himself a guido - he was far from it.

I attempted to make small-talk as we walked around a bit to see the twighlight entertainment (street performers, etc) at the pier and then headed across the street for a something to eat. He backed out of the "shitty pizza" at the last minute and opted for some "gator bites" at a seafood beach shack.

I imagine the entire date was somewhat painful to watch from an outsider. I struggled to make small talk for the first hour and probably somewhat gave up during the second hour we were hanging out. There was a slight banter of sarcasm from time to time, but nothing engaging. His body language was very stand-offish and he acted borderline aloof, although I suspect that was his "tough guy" front.

When it was all over - he walked me to my car and we both said goodbye in a way that was clear neither of us thought of the other as a "match".

I did take one very valuable thing away from the date, however....
A parking ticket from the Parks Department for $25. Nice.

6 down...94 to go!

Date # 5 - Kieth...a.k.a. Fy-dolla-charlie

Kieth is a 40-something boat captain who chased me like there was no tomorrow.  We corresponded a bit and then decided to pull the trigger and go out on a "drink date" on a Sunday night.  I found him to be o.k. looking - just o.k.

Kieth is a bit one-dimensional.  He was content to talk about me and what I do....or his boss and what HE does....but didn't have much to say about himself or his own life unless I probed.

The first date went o.k., so I agreed to a second.  Second date was scheduled for an afternoon boat ride to get drinks at a beach bar not far from here.  It was fun enough and he was clearly smitten like a kitten.  After date 2, the calls and text messages were off the hook and he was clearly interested in date number three.

Still not "enthralled" with Kieth, I agreed to date number 3, but decided he was going to have to come to me this time.  I had previously traveled the 30 minutes to his stomping grounds, which I don't consider far, but why not come down here.  After all, I live in a great little city.

Right up until date number 3, all systems were GO.  Calls and text messages galore - first thing in the morning until last thing at night.  Then it happened....

Kieth came down for an evening at a beach pub near me.  I had offered to buy him dinner and we scheduled it for right before sunset so we could enjoy a beautiful night at the water.  After getting caught in what he deemed "traffic", he started the evening off on the wrong foot.  I had given him specific directions on where we were going (a super easy place to find) and told him the parking was across the street.  When he arrived, he opted for the valet parking in front of the restaurant, which cost $5 (free if he had parked across the street and walked 30 yards) and apparently came with a redeemable coupon for $5 off the meal....except - he wasn't paying for the meal, which apparently presented a problem for him.

He began complaining when we were waiting to be seated - which didn't take long.  The walk to the deck seemed to take a lifetime as he bitched about the "traffic" he ran into coming to visit.  He was referring to construction along the way, which by the way....I had driven through to visit him and never mentioned - because I'm not a whiner.

Once at the table - he asked me what he was supposed to do to get his $5 back for parking.  I told him I didn't know and asked him to ask the server, which he did before she could say, "HI!".  She instructed him to give her the parking voucher and she would take the $5 off the bill - which he clearly didn't understand, but gave her the voucher anyway.

Three more times throughout our dinner, he mentioned the parking voucher....THREE.....while intermittently complaining about the "traffic" coming in.  By the time the bill came, I asked him if he would like me to reimburse him the $5 for parking - which he declined.



At some point, he directed the conversation to my plans for the next night.  I had plans with a friend/colleague to attend a First Friday event, which I felt was a good opportunity for some networking as I still don't know many people in the area.  Just before dinner, my friend sent me an email tentatively cancelling the evening due to illness.  I explained to Kieth that I probably was not going to attend the event, to which he responded, "I guess you can't bring a date to that?"
This came as a bit of a surprise and his tone and body language intimated that he had been thinking about this and was potentially bent out of shape that I hadn't invited him.  I told him that I wasn't sure it would be appropriate as I did not know what all the night would entail, but that it didn't matter because my plans had changed anyway.

Once we were finished and the bill had been paid (I paid, remember?), I was more than a little irritated with him, but we had planned to watch the sunset, so I suggested we take a walk up the beach.  He him-hawed around a little before getting up to take the walk, but once on the sand began to walk in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF THE SUNSET (could he be that stupid??).  After a few minutes walking in the wrong direction, I was pretty annoyed and suggested we actually walk toward the setting sun so we could enjoy it.  He agreed and we turned around to walk in the opposite direction.  Within minutes we were in front of the restaurant where we had dinner and although the sun had not fully set - he said, "well, here we are!" and began walking back toward the restaurant.  At this point, I was eager to end the evening, so I said nothing and walked to the deck.

Once we were at the street and the valet ticket had been given to the attendant, the $5 complaining began again and again, I offered to reimburse him for his parking (you still remember I paid for his dinner and drinks, right??).  Once again, he declined my offer.  I waited with him until the attendant returned with his car (which was parked in the FREE lot across the street) and upon its return he simply said, "Ok!  see ya later!" gave me a little peck and hopped in his car.

Weird!

When I arrived home, I sent him a text message thanking him for driving over and having dinner with me.  He responded with a "no problem" (not a "thanks for dinner") and said goodnight.  The next morning something interesting happened....
After waking to find a text on my phone from Kieth every day for a couple of weeks - there was.....nothing.  I waited until around lunch time when he typically called me and still....nothing.  I was becoming more and more amused by this - particularly because I hadn't been all that enthused about dating him to begin with.  Could HE be breaking it off with ME?  He was clearly going to make it easy for me.

Intrigued by his "hot to cold", I sent him a text message which essentially asked him - "why hot to cold?" to which he responded, "I think you're a really nice girl, but I just don't see it working out between us".

After a great belly laugh, I responded, "K" & said out loud....
"So, here's the real reasons
1.  You're cheap.
2.  You're too lazy to drive 30 minutes- even for a GREAT meal that you don't have to pay for (again, cheap!)
and,
3.  Put your big boy panties on - and good luck finding a woman who includes you in everything she does."

Once again - a big baby.
Also once again....date # 3.  Am I detecting a pattern, here?

NEXT!

Date # 4 - Kyle...a.k.a. Jolly Green Tennis Player

When I learned that Kyle was 6'5" tall, I didn't even care what he looked like.  6 FOOT 5 INCHES - HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH SIX FOOT FIVE INCHES!

Don't judge!  Some people don't like redheads - some only want to date blondes - some guys don't like small butts (I once had a guy tell me I didn't have enough "junk in the trunk" for him).  I like tall guys - it's just my thing.

I met Kyle at a great restaurant along the beach.  This was supposed to be for drinks - although he ordered dinner (I had already eaten....it was 9:00!).  He proceeded to tell me about his upbringing in NY and how he had seen it all.  Yeah, yeah, whatever - you and everyone else ever raised in NYC.  He was cute - not sure if he was cute enough, but he was cute enough to consider dating him again.  After that we took a walk along the sidewalk that winds down the beachfront.  The entire time we walked - Kyle swung his arm - practicing his tennis swing.  THE. ENTIRE. TIME.  We chatted a little, but he seemed bored (not sure if it was the conversation or the incessant tennis swings that tipped me off). 
When it started to spit a tiny bit of rain we were nearly back to my car.  I opened the door and got in while saying goodnight and thought, "what the heck - maybe I'll give it one more shot - maybe he would be fun at the concert", so I shot out a quick invitation to see Springsteen (I had incredible seats in an executive suite...free beer....wine....food....private bathroom.....who the heck would turn this down?).  He looked around, shifted on his feet, acted like he was thinking for a moment and replied, "Ahhhhhh, I think I have plans.  Yeah, I have plans". 

Ok - enough of that.  Was the date that excruciating?  Sheesh!

When I got home I received a text message from him, "If I didn't have plans I'd go to the concert with you".

Yeah, whatever dude!

NEXT???

4 down...96 to go!

Date # 3 - James...a.k.a. Lizard Gizards

James was a tough one...
We talked on the phone for about a week because I was on vacation and couldn't meet with him.  He seemed intelligent and charming and he was incredibly sweet....he even sounded sweet.  This all concerned me, of course, because one will come to conclusions over the phone that one may or may not live up to in person.....and so it was with James.

The night I returned from vacation I met him at Starbucks.....
James....
1.  Didn't look like his pictures.
2.  Was so thin he looked ill.
3.  Was a good 3-4" shorter than he had advertised.
4.  Worked a job that required him to be in the sun, but apparently hadn't heard of moisturizer - thus having the scaliest skin I've ever seen.....seriously, it was gross.  "Lizard Man" comes to mind.
5.  Walked like a girl. 

Of course...
6.  He was crazy about me.  Figures!

Yeah, I get it - I get it - it's not his fault....yadda yadda.  My #1 rule in this dating game is "If you lie - you get no second chance.  NADA!"  5'9" my ass!


Note to self:  Don't bother talking on the phone - it makes "cutting the cord" that much harder when you meet them and feel no chemistry.

3 down...97 to go.  I'm tired of this already!

Date # 2 - Frank...a.k.a. BawlBabyPoopyPants

Frank started a conversation with me online by telling me he thought he was probably everything I was looking for except....he was short. 
Well, at least he was honest.
I checked out his profile and found that he was a decent looking Italian guy and the emails he sent me were pretty witty, so I thought "don't be shallow - give it a go!".

Frank chose the location, a little corner tavern in the town I live, not far from my home.  It had the potential to be a hole-in-the-wall or a best kept secret.  After eating the scallop appetisers with our drinks, it definitely proved to be the latter.

Frank was funny and cute - a little goofy, but ok.
I wore flat shoes to try to accommodate his height and he made mention that it wouldn't matter to him at all whether I was taller than he.  It wasn't him I was concerned about - it was me.
He was a nice guy, good looking and funny - I could see that he could possibly have a little hyper-sensitivity going on when he told me that he still held a grudge against his former long-term girlfriend and admitting to getting therapy for it.  He also mentioned that he only had "three more years of child support" about 5 times - THAT was pretty unattractive.
Having raised my kids myself, I don't appreciate someone who thinks providing for their children is a burden.

Nevertheless, it was an o.k. evening and I agreed to go out with him one more time.

We met for dinner at a great restaurant about 30 minutes away.  The meal was great and we had nice conversation, followed by a short walk around the neighborhood afterword while our food settled.  We parted ways in good spirits and I thought, "ok, he's not too bad" and decided that I would ask him to attend a concert with me the next week for which I had a couple of tickets.

SIDE NOTE:  Between dates number one and two with Frank, he "friended" me on Facebook.  I wasn't thrilled about this because I feel like it's a bit of an invasion right out of the gate, but not wanting to offend him, I went ahead and accepted his friend request.
It's also important to note that part of Frank's sense of humor was his ability to "bust chops" non-stop.  He was definitely a tormentor who could dish it out fairly quickly - to anyone, including me.

Later that night - after the second date, Frank sent me a sweet note via facebook, which included a link to a you-tube video of a romantic song....all seemed to be going well, although I wasn't head-over-heels - there was no denying he was sweet......UNTIL.....Frank posted a comment about the NY Jets football team on his wall....and I made a wise-crack.  Keeping in mind - this is a guy who would dish it up about any sports team,  music, fashion, movie....whatever.

This proved my suspicions that ole' Frankie boy could be a  bit hyper-sensitive....and the fast-forward end to the story is....he didn't like me any more.  That's right, folks.....we went from Peter Gabriel songs to "I think I need to date around a little more.....will let you know if I want to see you" in 6.2 seconds.

I love that kind of ending....it reminds me to trust my gut.  Always trust my gut.

Can you say CRYBABY???

2 down....98 to go!
NEXT???

Date #1 - Mario...a.k.a. Which Half?

Mario's profile was quite articulate, outlining what he would like to find in a "match" with some witty, charming anecdotes throughout...
Mario went out of his way to indicate in his profile message (not just in his stats where one would select their ethnicity) that he was half Italian.  He looked Italian in his photographs and looked relatively good looking (not over the top - just good looking). 
He insisted that we meet in person before talking on the telephone, which was fine with me.  Having done the online dating thing before, I've long since discovered that you can talk for weeks and email back and forth with someone you think might be a good match....in the end, you can't tell whether there is chemistry until you've been in the same room together.  It's just not possible.

I should have known that things were headed down bad-dates-ville road when he recommended Chili's as a meeting place.  Nothing against Chili's, but with all the wonderful restaurants and haunts in the area, this seemed like a very generic place to have a drink.  Nevertheless, I didn't want to throw the baby out with the gold chains, so I agreed.

SIDE NOTE:  I should note that I am very clear in my profile that I would like to date a tall man...."the taller the better".  I find that men tend to lie about their height when they are 5'10" and below.  This means if they say they're 5'8", they're probably 5'6".....they nearly always add a couple of inches.  I guess they think being a 5'4" woman, I wouldn't know - trust me....I KNOW.  I am typically in heels and that puts me at 5'8".  If you're lying - I KNOW.
Mario claimed to be 5'10" tall.

Arrival:
Opting to meet outside the restaurant so that we didn't have to find each other inside (lesson learned from my other attempt at online dating), Mario walked swaggered across the parking lot, pointing at himself intermittently between his stomach, chest, face.....saying, "eh?  eh?".  I translated that in my mind into "you want some of this?".  I sincerely didn't know what to say.
My out loud response...."yes, you look like your pictures"
My inside-my-head response...."You're short and you look like a Guido"

I would put him at 5'7" tops....3" shorter than his profile stated.

Once Mario began to speak to me, I realized when he indicated that he was half Italian, he failed to mention that the other half was Mexican - obviously raised more on the Mexican side....which is fine, except that his accent was so thick I had to watch his mouth to make sure I wasn't missing anything.
Hoping he would not see this as a sign of lust, I tried to intermittently look away.
It also became quite apparent that Mario had not written his own profile message.  His English was terrible and people tend to write the way they speak.  Someone had to have helped him (or he copied and pasted someone else's).
We were seated in a booth next to the bar and ordered drinks and for the next hour, Mario told me what it would take to be "his woman", with barely an interruption from me; first because I was stunned and later because it was entertaining me.  Mario had a bit of a stutter when we first sat down - well, not a BIT....he stuttered very badly.  I waited it out to see if he had turrets or was just nervous and he seemed to calm down a bit and speak pretty clearly, so I chalked it up to nerves.
In case you were wondering - Mario's idea of a great relationship involves the following:
"You can not just tell me you love me....you have to SHOW ME!" **beats chest for effect**
"Showing" Mario included:  Buying him things, taking him places, cooking him meals, not spending any of HIS money and being ready to go anywhere he wants to go at a moment's notice.
NOT. MAKING. THIS. UP.

The rest of the "date" proceeded as expected....Mario talked....I attempted to decipher what he was saying....first chance in an hour that I thought I could get a word in edgewise I looked at my watch and said, "OH! Look at the time!  Gotta go!".

Mario followed me out to my car and made an attempt to kiss me....
bob....weave....bob....weave.....in the car - GONE!

This was a good first step....reminded me of all the things I hate about online dating.
Called my daughter on the way home and said, "Well, my date with Cheech Marin didn't go so well....1 down....99 to go!"

My Mission

My mission here is simple.  I'm creeping up quickly onto my mid 40's.  I'm relatively attractive, smart and funny.  I've been divorced for 16 years.  I've tried the online dating thing, friends "setting me up" and even went to a "lock and key party" (LAME-O!) to step "out of the box" to find my ultimate "match".  All of this has been to no avail.

I've come full circle on the "being alone" thing - I'm really not opposed to it, but my two grown children think I need to "put myself out there".  I also have mild reservations in that I'm not sure it's "normal" to just exist...
I don't want to end up with a bunch of cats, scaring the neighborhood kids or being perceived as a "man hater", but I don't dislike being by myself.

So, as much as I absolutely HATED THE ONLINE DATING thing....I am giving it one last whirl.  I've signed up for a popular, unnamed dating site for the next 6 months and I will be chronicling my journey through my last 100 first dates.  If I can't find anyone after 100 first dates - let's face it folks....I just can't find anyone.  If I DO find love before then....well, all the better and we'll call it a day!

DISCLAIMER:
This should in no way be perceived as a man-hating blog.  I love men....but I'm going to be honest about my dating experiences, so if I offend you - sorry.  I'm just telling the truth.  If you are offended by my references to being alone - once again, sorry.  I'm not suggesting every woman who chooses to be alone is a man-hater or a crazy cat lady.  This is just how I feel about being alone.
And one last thing.....I'm not prejudice against any race, ethnicity, religion, social group, etc., etc., etc.  I am an equal opportunity discriminator - I pretty much just hate liars and fakes - if any particular group falls into this category - you're fair game.